Tips for Talking to Children About the Shooting
By BENEDICT CAREY
Published: December 14, 2012 The New York Times
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27 Killed in Connecticut Shooting, Including 20 Children (December 15, 2012)
Through Facebook, Twitter, or friends, most youngsters will know about
the mass shooting that took place on Friday morning at an elementary
school in Newtown, Conn.
Listen to their fears. Dispel rumors. And be honest, sharing as much detail as a child is able to handle.
Therapists who treat childhood trauma said on Friday that parents
talking to their children about the mass shooting should address the
news directly and soon, allowing the child to lead with questions and
concerns. Parents can no longer control what their children know by
simply turning off the television. Many children will know what is
happening from mobile devices and social media; now is the time to turn
those devices off, these experts said.
“It’s important to open up the discussion,” said Melissa Brymer, director of terrorism and disaster programs at the National Center for Child Traumatic Stress,
based at the University of California, Los Angeles, and Duke
University. “There’s a lot of talk on Facebook and Twitter, and it’s
important to clarify what’s rumor and what’s not.”
Dr. Andrew J. Gerber, a child psychiatrist at Columbia, said that
parents should come to terms with their own feelings about the massacre
before talking to a child. They should "essentially metabolize the
awfulness of the event so that what they pass on when they have a
discussion with their children conveys a certain amount of
thoughtfulness and understanding, rather than raw trauma," he said in an
e-mail.
If a child is frightened, determine the precise source of the fear. It
may be a worry that their classroom isn’t safe; or about how to escape
school when under threat. “If you say, ‘This bad man can’t hurt you,’
you’ve introduced another fear,” said Dr. Robert H. Abramovitz, a child
psychiatrist at Hunter College. “Ask what their worst fear is, and
address that.”
Dr. Abramovitz said that parents can be so eager to reassure that they
make unrealistic promises, like “this will never happen to you.” “Better
to validate the child’s fear, to say that it’s natural to feel that
way, and tell them, ‘I’m going to do everything I can to keep you
safe,'” he said.
And reinforce coping skills the child may have already used. Dr.
Abramovitz suggested asking, “Remember the last time you were afraid?
Remember what you did to calm down?” He said, “This gives the child a
feeling of having some agency, some control.”
If possible, other therapists said, parents should use family or holiday
routines as a comforting structure. Spend extra time with children at
bedtime. Read them a book. Engage traditions that remind them what they
are thankful for.
Practical questions will soon arise, if not today then soon. Does a
child know his or her school’s emergency procedures? What is the
family’s communication plan, should something happen?
“For example, texting is a better strategy then calling,” Dr. Brymer
said. “The phone lines clog up fast. It may be a matter of children
knowing to text, ‘I’m OK.'”
And they should be, especially if their parents check in with them and
listen. And remind them of something important: that the world is a good
place, even if some people do very bad things.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/15/health/tips-for-talking-to-children-about-the-elementary-school-mass-shooting.html
